Friday, April 25, 2008
I have decided that it is time to write. I was 22 weeks and one day pregnant last tuesday when i woke up and i knew that something was wrong. My amniotic fluid was leaking and I knew that this was very very bad. Jacob, my mom, and I went to the doctor and after examining me, he discovered that I was almost two centimeters dialated. The doctor then did a sonogram and we saw our baby's precious heart beating and her hands moving. The doctor wasnt sure if my water had completely broken or if I just had a 'tear' or something in my amniotic sac. So, he sent us over to the hospital and on the way over, my water completely broke. They admitted me into the hospital and the doctor came in with the 'options'. He told us that since there was no amniotic fluid left that the baby's lungs couldnt develop and I was at a high risk for sepsis (major infection), he told us that the only thing I could do was deliver the baby.. Since I was only 22 weeks, the baby had no chance of survival. She didnt have enough lung tissue to intubate her and with no amniotic fluid, her lungs wouldnt develop any further.. I know it doesnt make sense, and it didnt make sense to me at the time, why couldnt they just put me on bed rest and wait until she could survive? There was nothing that could be done. It was all God's planSo.. they started the pitocin and we waited. ... while this is all going on, I am panicked, overwhelmed, i knew that i wouldnt be able to deliver my baby into a world where she couldnt survive. I felt so helpless. the next morning, they started the pitocin again and within thirty minutes I was feeling contractions. ... at around 1' clock, it was time, so the doctor came in and somehow I delivered her while her daddy watchedShe was the tiniest, most precious being i have ever seen in my life and she was ours. She lived for around 30 minutes and then passed away. We got to hold her for a long time and spend time looking at her huge hands and feet, and examining her every detail. She was a foot long and weighed 1 pound and 2.2 ounces. She looked just like her daddy. After we let her go, we started noticing the changes that were happening in our lives and the lives of people around us. We had a private burial for her that was perfect. we all sat around and listened to the song "held" and realized that God is sovereign, and our sweet baby girl did more in her thirty minutes of life than many of us ever do. Lives have been forever changed, hardened hearts have been softened, and relationships that were broken are mended and restored. What is so amazing to me, is that God chose me to carry this precious angel and bring her into the world to work in so many people's lives. I feel so honored and proud that the Lord trusted me to do this. Jacob and I will never be the same, and I am thankful for that. This has been the hardest thing either of us have ever dealt with and most likely ever will. Our hearts are completely broken and every day is hard. Nights are especially tough for me, and im sure they will continue to be tough. We truly appreciate all of your prayers and thoughts and the sweet cards and flowers.. we feel so loved. My hope is that everyone who reads this will be touched and maybe your life will be a little different than it was because of our sweet camdyn.