In two weeks it will be the two year anniversary of camdyns birth. wow, i cant believe how quickly time goes by. I truly did not think I could survive that much pain and here I am two years later. My wonderful mother in law sent me a link to the youtube video about a baby girl named audrey caroline smith. Her parents found out that she had abnormalities that were "incompatible with life" when she was 20 weeks pregnant. They decided to hold out hope that God would heal her, and not terminate the pregnancy. The video is a tribute to audrey and the mom singing a song called "I will carry you" It is so so beautiful. I watched it tonight and was reminded of the walk jacob and I were forced to take almost two years ago. Audrey was born and passed away two days before camdyn was born and passed away. Im reminded of the pain and the anger, and the questions that Jacob and I were left with after that life changing day. As I watched the video I held ava, rocking her to sleep. My oh my how Gods grace is so evident in my life today. I wouldnt trade any of the experiences that we have had since camdyns birth. God truly truly answered our prayers. Its so refreshing to be reminded how much He loves us and how He DOES know the desires of our hearts. I still feel pain, and my heart still hurts that I dont have camdyn to hold, but what a joy to know that my sweet baby girl and ava's big sister is in the arms of Jesus.
happy almost - two - year birthday with Jesus
camdyn reese graff 4.9.08
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
the calling
I recently stumbled upon a blog that realllllly got my attention.
I havent even gotten to read more than five or six of her posts, but its about a girl that moved away from home for what she thought was going to be a year. well, its much more than that. She moved to uganda. Apparently she has adopted a lot of children and has had to sacrifice a "normal" life in order to pursue God's will. I love her words, she said in a round about way, forgive me if I misquote, but "there is no sacrifice in Christ but instead there is eternal gain" woa.
How quickly life can "happen" and I find myself trying to live a "normal" life. Wanting a big house, a nice car, lots of money, some kind of status in society. Her blog caused me to ask myself, where did THAT Heather go? The Heather that wanted nothing more than to be set-apart, sold out, if you will for Christ. How could I so easily forget the power of Christ. The calling.
I went to china once. As I sat there and read this amazing woman's blog, I felt an inner pull so strong that it literally brought tears to my eyes. A pull, a magnet as I described it to jacob, pulling me towards missions. Towards leaving this "normal" life behind and serving God in China. The reality of God's will is that comfort is not a priority. Of course, God loves us and rejoices when we are happy, but our purpose is NOT to be happy. I believe that our purpose is to glorify God.
I am so moved by this woman, sooo inspired. I long to have that devotion. My oh my, so much work to be done on myself.
I havent even gotten to read more than five or six of her posts, but its about a girl that moved away from home for what she thought was going to be a year. well, its much more than that. She moved to uganda. Apparently she has adopted a lot of children and has had to sacrifice a "normal" life in order to pursue God's will. I love her words, she said in a round about way, forgive me if I misquote, but "there is no sacrifice in Christ but instead there is eternal gain" woa.
How quickly life can "happen" and I find myself trying to live a "normal" life. Wanting a big house, a nice car, lots of money, some kind of status in society. Her blog caused me to ask myself, where did THAT Heather go? The Heather that wanted nothing more than to be set-apart, sold out, if you will for Christ. How could I so easily forget the power of Christ. The calling.
I went to china once. As I sat there and read this amazing woman's blog, I felt an inner pull so strong that it literally brought tears to my eyes. A pull, a magnet as I described it to jacob, pulling me towards missions. Towards leaving this "normal" life behind and serving God in China. The reality of God's will is that comfort is not a priority. Of course, God loves us and rejoices when we are happy, but our purpose is NOT to be happy. I believe that our purpose is to glorify God.
I am so moved by this woman, sooo inspired. I long to have that devotion. My oh my, so much work to be done on myself.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
lately
it has been brought to my attention that it is time to update this.
a LOT has happened since i last wrote.
ava arrived.
she is absolutely the most precious being i have ever laid my eyes on and i have an unfathomable amount of love for her.
jacob and i have been living with my mom since i went on bedrest and we just found a house to move into. we are actually in the middle of the moving process. hopefully by this weekend, we will be moved in! i am SO excited to have a place of our own again. i have missed feeling like a wife and 'homemaker'.
i am back at work, have been for about five weeks. i hate leaving ava but its got to be done.
jacob is doing well. he is in his first semester of nursing school and pretty much making good grades with minimal effort. i think it would blow his own mind if he actually studied.
we have been in so many different places lately, i have really missed being in a routine. im ready for home, church, and life with my family. i feel like we have sort of been scattered for a little while, but it is all going to get better soon.
alright, i better get back to work!
Friday, August 21, 2009
ava
hey guys!
I figured it may be time for an update, and here lately, I have had a lot of time on my hands so Id better take advantage of it.
In April (four days before what would have been camdyns first birthday) jacob and i found out that we are expecting again. What a blessing!!! I dont know why I was so surprised to see that positive pregnancy test, but I had seen SO many negative ones that I never thought it would happen. We knew that this was going to be difficult with all the fears and worries of anyone that has lost a baby and then became pregnant again, so my Dr. recommended a specialist for us to see. We would travel every three weeks to shreveport to see him and he would measure my cervix. About a month ago, I had an episode of cramping for about three days. I ended up going up to labor and delivery and hooking myself up to the monitor. My dr ordered a cervical length ultrasound and everything seemed fine. Well, I went to my dr in shreveport a few days later and my cervix had changed pretty drastically for such a short period of time. So.. he recommended bedrest and everyone that I work with pretty much agreed and told me that I couldnt come back to work!! (not because they dont love me, but they were very worried). So, for the past month, I have been on bedrest. Jacob has been working in galveston for the past three months and coming home on the weekends. It hasnt been easy. Since I am unable to work now, we moved out and in with my mom. Jacob still has two weeks until he will come back to nacogdoches and be with me. This has been an extremely difficult time. I try to remind myself that this is such a short period of time, and we both know that our sweet baby girl will be SO worth it when she gets here. I am now 23 weeks pregnant (almost six months). I have never been pregnant this long, so from here on out, everything will be new. I am so thankful that that Lord has allowed me to carry this baby for this long and Im praying that I can carry her to term. Due to the "not allowed to work" issue, some friends and family have put together a benefit for jacob and myself. I am just so humbled by the amount of people that are wanting to help us. It is so humbling. Please keep us in your prayers.
Love!
I figured it may be time for an update, and here lately, I have had a lot of time on my hands so Id better take advantage of it.
In April (four days before what would have been camdyns first birthday) jacob and i found out that we are expecting again. What a blessing!!! I dont know why I was so surprised to see that positive pregnancy test, but I had seen SO many negative ones that I never thought it would happen. We knew that this was going to be difficult with all the fears and worries of anyone that has lost a baby and then became pregnant again, so my Dr. recommended a specialist for us to see. We would travel every three weeks to shreveport to see him and he would measure my cervix. About a month ago, I had an episode of cramping for about three days. I ended up going up to labor and delivery and hooking myself up to the monitor. My dr ordered a cervical length ultrasound and everything seemed fine. Well, I went to my dr in shreveport a few days later and my cervix had changed pretty drastically for such a short period of time. So.. he recommended bedrest and everyone that I work with pretty much agreed and told me that I couldnt come back to work!! (not because they dont love me, but they were very worried). So, for the past month, I have been on bedrest. Jacob has been working in galveston for the past three months and coming home on the weekends. It hasnt been easy. Since I am unable to work now, we moved out and in with my mom. Jacob still has two weeks until he will come back to nacogdoches and be with me. This has been an extremely difficult time. I try to remind myself that this is such a short period of time, and we both know that our sweet baby girl will be SO worth it when she gets here. I am now 23 weeks pregnant (almost six months). I have never been pregnant this long, so from here on out, everything will be new. I am so thankful that that Lord has allowed me to carry this baby for this long and Im praying that I can carry her to term. Due to the "not allowed to work" issue, some friends and family have put together a benefit for jacob and myself. I am just so humbled by the amount of people that are wanting to help us. It is so humbling. Please keep us in your prayers.
Love!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
update
wow! it has been a really long time since I wrote, and Im not sure if anyone reads this anymore, but in case you do, here is the latest news with jacob and myself!
we moved.. the week before christmas, our landlord came to us and told us that she wanted her son to move in the house that we were currently living in - so.. we moved. thankfully the Lord brought brad and jayna into our lives because they offered to let us rent from them :) so.. now we live WAY closer to town, and for WAY cheaper !!!
jacob is in his second semester at panola and he is absolutely brilliant. he just "gets" everything that he is supposed to be learning, and already knows SO much more than is expected of him. i am so very excited to see where the Lord leads him after nursing school ! Right now, he is gearing towards CRNA (certified registered nurse anesthesist) school, but who knows where he will be when he is finished.
i have been working in labor & delivery for eight months, and i am still loving it! i began working nights about two weeks ago, and though it is an adjustment, i am really truly enjoying it and the wonderful people i work with. i have learned so much and met so many wonderful people through my job, and i know that the Lord deliberately placed me here :)
jacob and i joined holly springs baptist church back in september (i believe) and have absolutely been blessed beyond words at that wonderful place :) the Lord has placed a tremendous group of friends in our lives that jacob and i get overwhelmed sometimes with all the love. When we left marshall, we prayed that God would bring us friends, and He did!!
this past christmas, jacob and i thought it would great for his brother jonathan to come to nacogdoches and go to sfa, so he applied and got accepted! jacob is really enjoying having his brother here to hang out with.. well.. jacob is enjoying having ALOT of boys to hang out with..
it has almost been one year since camdyn's birth.. i cannot believe it has already been that long.. we have had a rough year mouring, and learning to live with the pain of losing someone so precious. BUT.. the Lord is sovereign and has allowed us to see purpose in her short life and her death.. i am so thankful for the experience and for Him allowing me to meet her face to face..i know that i never would have made it a year, much less a day without the Lord helping me.. and i know that i have many more difficult days to come but i WILL see her sweet little face again and i am so thankful for that, and i am so thankful for the healing that the Lord has brought us and the wonderful friends that are there for me along the way!
well thats about it :)
we moved.. the week before christmas, our landlord came to us and told us that she wanted her son to move in the house that we were currently living in - so.. we moved. thankfully the Lord brought brad and jayna into our lives because they offered to let us rent from them :) so.. now we live WAY closer to town, and for WAY cheaper !!!
jacob is in his second semester at panola and he is absolutely brilliant. he just "gets" everything that he is supposed to be learning, and already knows SO much more than is expected of him. i am so very excited to see where the Lord leads him after nursing school ! Right now, he is gearing towards CRNA (certified registered nurse anesthesist) school, but who knows where he will be when he is finished.
i have been working in labor & delivery for eight months, and i am still loving it! i began working nights about two weeks ago, and though it is an adjustment, i am really truly enjoying it and the wonderful people i work with. i have learned so much and met so many wonderful people through my job, and i know that the Lord deliberately placed me here :)
jacob and i joined holly springs baptist church back in september (i believe) and have absolutely been blessed beyond words at that wonderful place :) the Lord has placed a tremendous group of friends in our lives that jacob and i get overwhelmed sometimes with all the love. When we left marshall, we prayed that God would bring us friends, and He did!!
this past christmas, jacob and i thought it would great for his brother jonathan to come to nacogdoches and go to sfa, so he applied and got accepted! jacob is really enjoying having his brother here to hang out with.. well.. jacob is enjoying having ALOT of boys to hang out with..
it has almost been one year since camdyn's birth.. i cannot believe it has already been that long.. we have had a rough year mouring, and learning to live with the pain of losing someone so precious. BUT.. the Lord is sovereign and has allowed us to see purpose in her short life and her death.. i am so thankful for the experience and for Him allowing me to meet her face to face..i know that i never would have made it a year, much less a day without the Lord helping me.. and i know that i have many more difficult days to come but i WILL see her sweet little face again and i am so thankful for that, and i am so thankful for the healing that the Lord has brought us and the wonderful friends that are there for me along the way!
well thats about it :)
Friday, April 25, 2008
Camdyn Reese
I have decided that it is time to write. I was 22 weeks and one day pregnant last tuesday when i woke up and i knew that something was wrong. My amniotic fluid was leaking and I knew that this was very very bad. Jacob, my mom, and I went to the doctor and after examining me, he discovered that I was almost two centimeters dialated. The doctor then did a sonogram and we saw our baby's precious heart beating and her hands moving. The doctor wasnt sure if my water had completely broken or if I just had a 'tear' or something in my amniotic sac. So, he sent us over to the hospital and on the way over, my water completely broke. They admitted me into the hospital and the doctor came in with the 'options'. He told us that since there was no amniotic fluid left that the baby's lungs couldnt develop and I was at a high risk for sepsis (major infection), he told us that the only thing I could do was deliver the baby.. Since I was only 22 weeks, the baby had no chance of survival. She didnt have enough lung tissue to intubate her and with no amniotic fluid, her lungs wouldnt develop any further.. I know it doesnt make sense, and it didnt make sense to me at the time, why couldnt they just put me on bed rest and wait until she could survive? There was nothing that could be done. It was all God's planSo.. they started the pitocin and we waited. ... while this is all going on, I am panicked, overwhelmed, i knew that i wouldnt be able to deliver my baby into a world where she couldnt survive. I felt so helpless. the next morning, they started the pitocin again and within thirty minutes I was feeling contractions. ... at around 1' clock, it was time, so the doctor came in and somehow I delivered her while her daddy watchedShe was the tiniest, most precious being i have ever seen in my life and she was ours. She lived for around 30 minutes and then passed away. We got to hold her for a long time and spend time looking at her huge hands and feet, and examining her every detail. She was a foot long and weighed 1 pound and 2.2 ounces. She looked just like her daddy. After we let her go, we started noticing the changes that were happening in our lives and the lives of people around us. We had a private burial for her that was perfect. we all sat around and listened to the song "held" and realized that God is sovereign, and our sweet baby girl did more in her thirty minutes of life than many of us ever do. Lives have been forever changed, hardened hearts have been softened, and relationships that were broken are mended and restored. What is so amazing to me, is that God chose me to carry this precious angel and bring her into the world to work in so many people's lives. I feel so honored and proud that the Lord trusted me to do this. Jacob and I will never be the same, and I am thankful for that. This has been the hardest thing either of us have ever dealt with and most likely ever will. Our hearts are completely broken and every day is hard. Nights are especially tough for me, and im sure they will continue to be tough. We truly appreciate all of your prayers and thoughts and the sweet cards and flowers.. we feel so loved. My hope is that everyone who reads this will be touched and maybe your life will be a little different than it was because of our sweet camdyn.
Monday, March 31, 2008
sooo... in case its possible that you have stumbled upon this site and not seen my facebook, jacob and I are having a baby girl!! we found out last week, but ive been pretty busy traveling and painting.. I cant believe I am graduating in one month. my gosh, i have been here for WAY too long, and I am sooooo ready to go. Exciting things are happening in Jacobs future as well, he is thinking about going to nursing school in december, I am SO excited for him. He is so smart, i know he will breeze through it. Most likely he will keep going and maybe become a CRNA or nurse practitioner. Anyway, we shall see.
love love
love love
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